Assumptions I Make About Other Honda Odyssey Drivers Based On Model Year

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2018

Fully loaded: Our first baby is on the way! We are just SO excited to become parents. This is such a magical time! We finished the nursery this past weekend. Have I shown you pictures yet? No? Hold on. Let me get my phone.

Base model: Peed on a pregnancy test at 4:45 a.m. and discovered we’re going to have a third kid. I don’t even know how to break the news to my spouse. I was at the dealership before they even opened because this is absolutely a panic purchase. I’m sure I’ll have regrets and if I’m being honest right now, I’m not sure if I’m talking about the minivan or the third kid.

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2017

I haven’t slept through the night in 18 months and I can’t remember the last time I brushed my teeth. I’m only out driving around right now because we sprung for the fancy integrated DVD player and it’s the one thing that makes the baby stop crying.

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2016

I have an infant and a toddler and probably a preschooler, too, and I have to lug them in and out of this car an unbelievable number of times each day and do you know how heavy that bucket car seat is so you can pry my sliding passenger doors from my cold, dead hands. Andy! Help me get the double stroller loaded in the back of the van!

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2015

These spill-proof sippy cups really aren’t spill-proof. How can they even claim they’re spill-proof? They totally spill! The label should read, will do a pretty okay job of not spilling. Related, do you smell something weird in here? I definitely smell something weird in here. This van is starting to smell weird.

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2014

Yes! Sure! I can totally drive us all. Give me a minute though. I just want to get some blankets from the back to cover up all of the seats. I would hate for you to get a stain on your pants or something.

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2013

With clean rims: We refuse to give up on a life of order and cleanliness even though we are drowning in kids and their detritus.

With filthy rims: We have completely given up on a life of order and cleanliness because we are drowning in kids and their detritus. Park the van outside the garage so it will get clean the next time it rains.

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2012

I drive approximately 750 miles each week hauling my kids to all of their places. We LIVE out of this car. I could cook a three-course meal for our entire soccer team out of the back. I even rigged a Keurig to run off of the cigarette lighter. Oh, is that a bug bite on your arm? Let me see if I’ve got something in the trunk for that.

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2011

This car has seen some shit. Specifically from that one road trip back home from the beach when two of the three kids had a stomach bug. We’re DEFINITELY leasing next time. No question.

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2010

We are only two years away from being DONE with car seats and I’ll be damned if I’m going to go buy a brand new vehicle just to put booster seats in it again. I don’t know what that light is that just came on on the dashboard but I don’t care. I am limping across the finish line with this minivan, crevices full of Lego pieces and Cheetos and that stain that looks like blood but is probably just a melted lollipop from the doctor’s office.

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2009

Both sliding doors on this thing broke two years ago but it’s okay because the kids are old enough to just climb in and out through the back hatch. And, it’s a good thing that back hatch still works because I’m not spending a penny more fixing this minivan if what we’re fixing isn’t absolutely essential to the operation of the vehicle.

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2008

I can haul anything you need hauled. Need me to take that old dishwasher to the dump? Sure! That sofa you bought on Craigslist? Let me grab some bungee cords! A dozen ferrets not in cages? Not a problem! My minivan is so destroyed from a decade of kids that nothing could possibly make it grosser. Let me help you with that mulch!

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2007

We had to send our kid to private school for Reasons and even though we were totally going to get a new car this year, the tuition is killing us so we’re going to wait for a bit.

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2006

Our teenager is driving now so we handed this down to them but I’m deeply conflicted because while there’s nothing even remotely attractive about driving a minivan, I’m very aware that there’s a whoooooooole lot of room in the back when that third row is folded flat.

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2005

This van just sits in our driveway for long stretches and the air conditioning no longer works but we’re keeping it around specifically to haul the kids and their crap to and from college. Have you seen how much stuff fits in the back of this thing when the third row is folded flat?

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2004

If I park my minivan underneath this obviously diseased tree and a big storm comes through…

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2003 or earlier

I basically discovered minivans before minivans were a Thing. Have I told you how many miles I’ve logged with this baby? I mean, I didn’t even change the timing belt until 205K. Are you on any of the Ody Club forum web pages? No? Just in case, I’ll give you my handle.

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Anyone driving a Honda Pilot, regardless of model year

We’re not really “Minivan People,” per se. That’s why we drive an SUV. Even though our SUV is, like, two feet of cargo space away from literally being a minivan. But, it’s not a minivan. It’s an SUV. Because we’re cool.

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A Little Light

A few weeks ago, I picked up Charlie and Millie from summer camp and surprised them with lunch in town at our favorite burger place. Charlie loves a good cheeseburger and Millie could beat grown men in a french fry eating competition and also this made for one fewer meal I had to prepare at home so we were all pretty jazzed to be there.

This restaurant happens to be super small so when we entered, we headed straight to the counter to put in our order before finding a table. We found ourselves behind a young man placing a large takeout order. He was hot and sweaty and dirty and had obviously been working outside and appeared to be taking food to the rest of his crew.

After paying for our burgers and fries, I thought it best for the kids to wash up because who knows what they do at summer camp but it probably should come off of their hands before lunch so we headed to the bathroom. Upon returning to the little dining room, we were greeted by what could only be described as a mustard explosion. We stopped in our tracks and kind of did that cartoonish double-blink with our eyes. On one side of the restaurant, mustard was everywhere. On a couple of the tables, on the walls, the chairs, the floor. Bright, yellow mustard painted all over the place. And, all over the shirt and jeans and hands of the young man with the takeout order who we were behind in line when we arrived and who was obviously the point of origin for the mustard detonation.

In the short time we were in the bathroom, this customer’s order had come up and he had obviously attempted to add some ketchup and mustard to the burgers in the bag before heading out the door. At this restaurant, both of those condiments are in big red and yellow plastic squeeze bottles. I don’t know if the lid to the mustard wasn’t on tight or maybe, since the restaurant had just opened for the day, the temperature change from the cold refrigerator storage and the super warm dining room caused some sort of volatile buildup in the bottle which led to the explosion? I’m not sure but my CSI splatter analysis suggests the latter. It must have been absolutely spectacular.

What was even more spectacular is that no one was helping the young man clean it all up. He had grabbed a couple of napkins and was futilely trying to wipe the mustard from his pants but he mostly just looked overwhelmed and embarrassed. Two of the six tables in the restaurant were occupied – one with parents and their teenage children and another larger family with a few adults and lots of young kids. It was, without a doubt, impossible to not notice what had happened which made it so surprising to me that no one was moving a muscle to assist. Everyone had witnessed it and then just… continued on. Like nothing had happened.

I assigned Charlie and Millie to an open table that wasn’t dusted in mustard and went to help, interrupting the lady at the counter to ask for some paper towels and then returning to start wiping up the tables and the chairs and the floor while the young man looked at me and tried to explain that he had no idea what had just happened. I reassured him it was all okay and after several minutes, we had made some good progress. An employee eventually emerged to help. We all worked together a little bit longer and had most of it wiped up in short order. When we went to throw the mustard-covered paper towels in the garbage, the young man looked at me, smiled, and said, “I’m going to smell like mustard all day now.” I laughed and offered to hold the door open for him as he left with his tray of drinks and paper bag filled with burgers and fries and most likely, too much mustard.

Then, our order came up and the kids and I devoured our food, talked about how crazy that mustard thing was, and left in search of ice cream.

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So much going on in this world right now makes me feel completely and utterly helpless. Not hopeless. I haven’t lost hope. But, it feels like there isn’t enough helping going on anymore. I think that’s what brings me the greatest despair. The lack of genuine compassion for one another. Sometimes, it feels like no one has the space or the patience to just be kind.

I can donate my time and I can donate my money and I can speak passionately and I can listen empathetically and I can educate myself and I can advocate for others and I can rearrange our entire November vacation to be home in time to vote at our local precinct in the mid-term elections because I’m a little leery of absentee voting and it just seems better to be there on that day to vote in person, right?

I can do all of those things. And, I can show my children how to be helpers. How to put yourself in someone else’s shoes. How to imagine a situation – a life – that is different than their own. How to see a need and then fill it. How to clean up mustard with sub-par, non-absorbent, eco-friendly paper towels.

In the tiniest, seemingly inconsequential of ways and in the biggest, most significant of ways, helping others, compassion for others, kindness for others, matters.

Places We’re Taking Our Kids They Will Fail To Appreciate

Summer break begins tomorrow, when the school year officially comes to a close. (But, we started celebrating weeks ago and our kids have not been to bed before 9:30 at night since, basically, the time change and, at some point, we just kind of stopped doing homework so summer break began awhile ago, if you catch my drift.)

When you have babies and toddlers, the end of the school year doesn’t necessarily mean anything. Summer routines for wee little kids are just like rest-of-the-year routines – days strategically planned around the dual schedule anchors of naps and mealtimes. June, July and August with tiny ones means doing everything you normally do the other nine months of the year only with 95 percent more sweating and a never-ending alternating application of bug spray and sunscreen.

But, we no longer have babies or toddlers! Everyone in this house can, for the most part, apply their own bug spray and sunscreen. And, they almost never get it in their eyes. Also, all of my children are capable of getting their own meals and snacks. While I still have to remind them to eat something other than a plate full of potato chips, I can yell that in the direction of the kitchen from the living room sofa so I consider it a win. And, the only one that really naps anymore is Bob so that’s good. Our summer breaks look so different now with these older kids and the freedom and relative autonomy that affords.

We’ve somehow found ourselves in that magical window of time wherein our youngest child is old enough to be in control of her own bowels but our oldest child is still young enough that he hasn’t begun to resent us with every fiber of his being. There’s an opportunity here to make some memories and I’m planning on taking advantage of it this summer.

Some things on our summer bucket list that my kids will probably complain are super boring but, one day, I’m confident they’ll look back upon and remember how super bored they were:

James River Plantations – Dotting the James River, southeast of Richmond, Virginia, is a stretch of plantations and historic homes open for tours. The buildings are impressive and I look forward to whisper-yelling, “DON’T TOUCH THAT!” to my children as we tour them. I remember visiting the area with my parents more than twenty years ago, when I was still a college student. I’m looking forward to making my own kids pose on this same boulder, which I assume has not been moved since this picture was snapped sometime around 1996.

Washington Nationals Game – This is not my idea. This request came from Henry and Charlie so I’m pretty sure that I’ll actually be the one that will be bored and miserably hot. Baseball just isn’t my jam but I will feign a good attitude and also I have heard there is really delicious food at the park so that’s something.

Movie Blockbusters – Nothing screams SUMMER like a well-made documentary! Am I right? I’d like the kids to see the Ruth Bader Ginsburg documentary, “RBG” and the film about Mister Rogers titled, “Won’t You Be My Neighbor?” I expect both will elicit tears from me and eye rolls from my children. I’m kind of okay with that.

 

Hershey Park – I grew up going to Cedar Point in Sandusky, Ohio and feel strongly that amusement parks are SUCH a SUMMER thing. I don’t think the kids have ever been to one so I plan on taking them this year. I mean, it’s not really summer until you momentarily lose one of your children in a massive throng of strangers. (Aside: do people still wear matching outfits to amusement parks? I think I could get Bob on board with at least matching shirts. Yes, absolutely, I think he will LOVE that.)

Historic Route 11 – Route 11 stretches the length of Virginia (and beyond) and is the original and non-infuriating version of Interstate 81. We’ve wanted to explore the route for years now and are planning a few days this summer to do just that. We’re planning to begin in Abingdon, in the southwest corner of Virginia, and make our way north from there with overnight stops along the way in Roanoke and Lexington, eventually making our way to Winchester. I will probably find all of this way more fun than my children and that’s fine. The Route 11 Potato Chip factory is somewhere along this road and open for tours so that should make them feel right at home.

And, since I frequently field messages from friends looking for trip tips in our corner of Virginia, I thought I’d compile a list of some of our family favorites in case you need to add to your summer bucket list. All of the places detailed below are super kid-friendly which means they have easy access to bathrooms and snacks. Also, it will not surprise anyone that battlefields, heavy artillery, and (Civil War) history feature prominently in this list so your mileage may vary, etc.:

  1. Antietam (Maryland) – I like to say that Gettysburg gets all of the Civil War glory around here but Antietam should absolutely not be missed. It’s incredibly moving.
  2. Appomattox Court House (Virginia) – Appomattox is where General Lee surrendered the Army of Northern Virginia to General Grant, effectively ending the Civil War. It’s worth the drive for the history and to see this part of rural Virginia which has it’s own unique beauty.
  3. America’s Historic Triangle (Virginia) – Encompassing Jamestown, Williamsburg, and Yorktown. Go see this! Colonial! History! Everywhere! It’s so fun! (Also, Williamsburg will be super busy but hanging out with our kids by the river in Yorktown was always our favorite part.)
  4. Cumberland (Maryland) – Bob said I should put this on the list so, you’re welcome, Bob. He’s biked the C&O Canal to Washington, D.C. a few times and Cumberland is where they always begin their journey. We’ve stopped once with the kids and there’s a neat museum here and lots of trains!
  5. Ohiopyle State Park (Pennsylvania) – Bob and I were married close by Ohiopyle and we’re making a return pitstop here in a couple of weeks with the kids. The Youghiogheny River runs through the park and affords lots of outdoor adventure opportunities. There are fun little shops and yummy places to grab a bite to eat. Highly recommend!
  6. Harpers Ferry (West Virginia) – Harpers Ferry is so easy to explore with kids. There are trains and trails and rivers and old houses and people wearing historic clothing and, like, five places to procure ice cream. It’s a win all around.
  7. U.S. Army Heritage & Education Center (Pennsylvania) – We spied this from the interstate and eventually made it back to visit a couple of years ago. There’s a little museum and loads of outdoor installations to explore that tell the history of the U.S. Army’s conflict involvement.
  8. Frontier Culture Museum (Virginia) – You should totally visit this place. Read all about it here: Worth Doing Also, the nearby town of Staunton is adorable. Make a weekend of it! There are wineries close by!

Okay. I think we’re ready for summer, guys. LET’S DO THIS.