A Brief Visual History of Bob’s Trip to the Grocery Store

This one time, in early 2004, as an unusually strong winter storm threatened high snow accumulation throughout the D.C. metro area, I sent Bob to the grocery store. We needed to procure supplies in case we were stranded by weather. Bob was gone for a good bit, stuck in long lines, but eventually returned with frozen turkey meatballs and one (1) container of Gatorade. That was it. Nothing else. Just the turkey meatballs and the Gatorade.

I haven’t sent Bob to the grocery store since.

Now, for a ridiculous number of reasons, the past few weeks around our house have been absolutely frenetic. There have just simply not been enough hours in the day and more than a few times I have bemoaned the lack of even a hot second to sit down. So, when Bob asked me, while I was headed out the door to work – AGAIN – this past weekend, if I wanted him to do the grocery shopping, I immediately thought to myself, “No. No, I do not want him to do the grocery shopping. Ever.” But, I’m really exhausted, see? So, what I actually said was, “That would be great. That would be so great.”

Friends, it was totally not great.IMG_0862Despite decades of successful half and half use, for inexplicable reasons, Bob brought home dairy free coconut milk creamer. To no one’s surprise (but Bob’s – Bob was surprised), this dairy free coconut milk creamer was absolutely awful and Bob had to start completely over with another cup of coffee. When I asked him why in the world he purchased it to begin with he said he had, “read an article that said that cow’s milk will kill ‘ya.”

IMG_0861I’m going to take a wild guess and say that the fact that Bob shopped with the kids played a role in this ill-advised purchase. Also, and as an aside, chocolate does not improve this product in any way, General Mills. Even the kids reluctantly agreed.

IMG_0864Despite being fully aware of my lifetime of hate directed towards food makers that automatically combine cinnamon with raisins (WHY ARE THEY CONSIDERED SO INSEPARABLE), Bob purchased cinnamon raisin bread. What Bob did not buy: regular bread. Of any kind. None bread. But! He bought deli turkey so insert that one “confused face” emoji here.

IMG_0868There are 18 fish sticks in this package. Eighteen tiny fish sticks for a family of five. Go ahead and do the math on that.

IMG_0866I know what you’re thinking! This might make up for the fish sticks only… Bob didn’t buy any hot dog buns. Again, just the hot dogs. No buns.

IMG_0863I would never in a million years buy this mostly because I will just eat the cookie dough right from the package and do not even pretend that you are better than me because you would do the exact same thing. “DO NOT CONSUME RAW COOKIE DOUGH” Don’t tell me how to live my life, Nestle.

IMG_0867I mean, WHAT EVEN. Who buys Neapolitan ice cream? There are three flavors in this package and only one is going to get consumed. The only thing remaining between vanilla and strawberry will be the echo of regret. Incredulous, I picked this up from the freezer, looked at Bob and asked, “What is this, 1972?” He basically agreed that the last time he had had Neapolitan ice cream was when his mom had bought it for him.

IMG_0869An inexplicably large number of fresh lemons. Like, this is only a representative sample of the amount of lemons he purchased. So, sure. Why not.

What Bob did not buy at the grocery store that we actually needed: milk, REAL half and half, aforementioned bread products, cereal fit for consumption by anyone three years of age or older, orange juice, peanut butter, chips or crackers, pasta, fresh vegetables, fresh fruit, cheese, glorious cheese. But, there’s no need to worry. I went grocery shopping at 8:00 last night after doing all of the other things so that was super convenient.

Want to come over for strawberry ice cream? Maybe some lemonade? Can I interest you in a single fish stick?

Things I Think I’m Supposed to Like Because Other People Seem to Really Like Them but I Actually Don’t Like at All

1. Running for recreation. “You should go for a run!” No. No, thank you.

2. Game of Thrones. It’s about some sort of a dragon, right? Or, that young magician? Wait! It’s Middle-earth and magical rings? Do I have that correct? Yes, I think that’s correct.

3. Glass shower enclosures. So, I guess this is a thing we’re all installing now? Our bathroom has one and it has looked absolutely awful since about the third shower I ever took in it. Bob and I just stand and stare at it frequently, wondering aloud how one keeps a crystal clear glass shower door clean. Because, if you think I’m going to squeegee that thing dry after every shower, you don’t know my life, man. Also, I really don’t need to be so… visible when showering. Best to hide all that behind a curtain, as our founding fathers intended.

4. Large gatherings of people in public places when it is hot outside. Concerts, festivals, fairs, amusement parks, farmer’s markets – all terrible when it’s too hot. No good. Would not recommend. Add my kids in to the mix and this is a DEFCON 2-level misery.

5. Pickling all of the foods. Why are we pickling everything all of a sudden? Did I miss a magazine article somewhere? Does everyone really like so much of their food pickled? What do you do with all of your pickled food? Do you put it on salads? Or burgers? It probably looks pretty in your cabinets though. Kind of all Little House on the Prairie up in there. I get that.

6. Playing board games with my kids. They’re really not very good at board games.

7. Snapchat. “WHAT DOES IT EVEN DOOOOO,” I holler at no one in particular while shaking my cane at the squirrel in the bird feeder and reaching in my shirt sleeve for a Kleenex.

8. Instant Pots. I don’t know about your circle but everyone in my circle seems to be using these things and I’m worried that, best case scenario, I’ll seriously scald myself or, worst case scenario, I’ll blow my whole damn house up.

9. Camping. I want to like camping. I really do. But, I accidentally walked through a spider web in our garage two days ago and basically looked like this for a solid ten minutes before I just went and showered.

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10. Unnecessary decks. Look, a deck solves an elevation issue, such as when a steep slope precludes level, accessible outdoor space. But, people seem to just put decks on everything now, all willy-nilly, irregardless of necessity or incline. Why does everyone want decks? We have a deck on our house when really, the backyard elevation is such that a patio is much more appropriate. As a result, our deck has all of these weeds growing under it and all out the sides but because the space is so small beneath the deck, we can’t get in there to do anything about it. It’s stupid. I obviously have a lot of strong feelings about decks. I just… why install a deck when a patio will do?

11. The beach. I enjoy looking at the ocean. From a balcony. Whilst sitting in a chair. Entirely uncovered in sand. The ocean is really beautiful but for purely recreational purposes with young kids, I am firmly Team Pool.

Summer Bookshelf

When I was about Henry’s age, I hung out at the Waldenbooks in University Park Mall a lot. My parents would take me shopping with them and on the way out of JCPenney, they would just kind of deposit me in front of the Anne of Green Gables section of the bookstore while they shopped. This would also happen at our local Kroger. My mom would select groceries while I stood and read near the end of this one aisle that had a revolving rack with mostly Christian young adult novels by Janette Oke. It was a win-win for both of us. I still have my collections by Janette Oke and Lucy Maud Montgomery and Laura Ingalls Wilder and Beverly Cleary. They sit on Millie’s bookshelf now.

I was an eager reader, fostered in part by an unbelievable library in the tiny Ohio town we lived in when I was very young. I can remember attending summer reading programs in the basement there and asking the librarian for help finding titles amongst the castle-like interior. Books were amazing and magical and an escape and I remember devouring them.

I kept on reading for fun as an adult, my commitment ebbing and flowing with college and then work and travel demands. When Bob and I were first married, I was still reading diligently. Then, Henry was born in late 2005 and approximately two days after he arrived, I stopped reading. I think the last book I even attempted was a few chapters of What to Expect the First Year before giving up and placing a higher premium on sleep.

It’s been like this for more than a decade now. I’m still reading things, lots of things – school forms, work emails, report cards, bedtime stories, a magazine here or there, all of the internet – I’m just not reading books. I occasionally think about reading a book but more often than not, I just end up reading the internet instead. I still buy books all the time, but more often than not, they end up stacked on my nightstand, a convenient place to stash my phone when I’m done reading the internet.

Now, you’ve probably done a great job of parenting kids or dogs or working full-time jobs while still being a committed reader. The book club you belong to probably actually reads the books. I think that’s fantastic. I really do. And, if I’m being honest here, I’ve been secretly ashamed for years that my most interesting reading came from those Buzzfeed top 20 lists. I was just never able to make a bigger commitment. My brain space was reserved for the thousands of other details I had to keep track of and that’s how I came to re-read – more than once! –  the first twenty pages of A Little Life, just trying to remember which character was the artist and which character still lived with his parents and which one was successful. I never got very far.

But, I’ve missed books. When my dad was visiting in May, he helped Bob and I install a series of bookcases in our living room. All of the books that had been scattered and stacked and stored for years finally had an easily accessible home. I hadn’t realized how much I had missed being engrossed in a really good book until I saw them all lined up like that. Many of them I had purchased and had started but had never finished.

So, this summer, when I dragged the kids to our local library to sign them up for the reading program (and also ruin their lives because I won’t let them play games on the library computer or rent DVDs from the library’s collection), I signed myself up for the reading program, too. I don’t know if I’ll finish the entire program before the August due date but I have made a goal to read three books this summer. I think that’s pretty achievable. So far, I have one down (The Girl on the Train) and two sitting on my nightstand in the queue (The Immortal Life of Henrietta Lacks is SO GOOD. Would you like to talk about it?).

I think I can do this, guys. I really do. As long as I can stay awake long enough to get past the first twenty pages.