First Anniversary

It was convenient that this week, my one year anniversary of writing here, Pottery Barn Kids sent me their back-to-school catalogue. I enjoy this edition of the PBK catalogue for many reasons: tracking trends in names according to their many embroidered items (“Susie” and “Maureen” seem to be making a comeback, fyi), keeping up with what the kids are all wearing these days (berets and an inexplicable number of layers, apparently) and, of course, my favorite part of the catalogue, perusing the lunch box section to see what Pottery Barn suggests I send to school with my kids for lunch that will get thrown away devoured with enthusiasm.

I have to say, I was surprised at the lack of twine this year. I think the anti-twee movement is gaining traction! However, my eyes did roll so far back in my head when I turned the page and spotted this, that Bob was visibly concerned:

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Just, no.

I am going to admit that I stared at this hard. And, for probably way too long trying to figure out how they made the bullseye sandwich. Is that a cookie cutter thing? In graduated sizes? With two different types of bread? That can’t be possible, could it? The only thing I can think of is that maybe they make bread that already comes swirled like that? Is that a thing? That’s probably a thing. But, you still have to use a cookie cutter to get that perfectly round shape, right? So, when I’m making Henry’s lunch at 6:45 in the morning, I would have to wield a cookie cutter with precision? I’m never going to do that.

Also, the toothpick “arrow.” That’s a thing that someone has to consciously purchase, right? Like, they are suggesting a parent out there spend actual money on special toothpicks to recreate this whole stupid vignette. Maybe they made the arrow out of a toothpick and one of those Post-It flags and some scissors? That wouldn’t be as bad as purchasing it, I think. Also, I’m pretty sure my son would turn that toothpick into some sort of lunchroom weapon in about five seconds.

Actually, the most ridiculous part of this whole lunch is the real silverware. I give it about a week before the fork goes missing, ten days before the spoon is gone forever and two weeks before you’re filled with regret for ever sending your kids to school with actual items that had to be returned.

Listen, I think it’s great to be creative with food and get your kids interested in eating and fostering adventurous little taste buds. But, honestly, if your kid opens up their lunch box at school to find this and their first reaction isn’t to recoil in horror, well, pat yourself on the back, you’re doing something right as a parent:

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I’m pretty sure it’s not actually alive. But, I can’t be certain.

I believe that is vegetable cream cheese on a butterfly-shaped piece of bread (another early morning cookie cutter!), garnished with sliced radishes, flat-leaf parsley and chives.

Good heavens. I give up.

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